African Cultures
!Kung San of Southern Africa
​​​ The !Kung San have a type of marriage that puts value on an alliance between two families over the romantic connection between two people. A marriage was described between a sixteen-year-old groom and an eight-year-old bride. The groom killed an antelope and gave most of it to his bride’s parents to prove he hunted well (Gift-giving). Then their mothers built a scherm (thatched house) for the couple to live in (Gift and act of service). When they got married, both of them had to show reluctance to the marriage, and there was barely any ceremony or special attention. [12-13]
In the meantime, the husband must work hard for his wife’s parents, usually by hunting (an act of service). Customs involving acts of service for the bride are called “bride-service”. The hunting tradition of the !Kung San carries over into love and marriage. [15] If there is resistance from either side to the marriage, usually it follows through and the two do not become married but often will be living in close proximity to each other unless the woman marries and moves to another village.
While Westerners believe that marriage must be about the couple first, but for the !Kung San, the couple’s families have a far greater role. Due to the young ages of the husband and wife, their parents must arrange and negotiate the marriage. It’s about the family, not the couple, and the parents control the marriage. [15] It is also important to note that the wife’s family after marriage relies heavily on the husband’s family for support, especially through times of scarcity.
For the !Kung San, gifts are an important part of hospitality. They practice generalized reciprocity, in which gifts received must be shared with others. Gifts are meant to create relationships, not to repay debts. Since everybody provides for each other, an egalitarian social security is built. [23]
Value is put on the family before the couple, so love is usually found after the marriage or not at all. The primary love languages of the !Kung San are gifts and acts of service, due to the emphasis on sharing between families in order to survive.
Stockard, J. (2002). Marriage in culture: Practice and meaning across diverse societies. Orlando, FL: Harcourt College.
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Aka and Ngandu of Central Africa
​​​ The Aka and Ngandu believe that sex is work, although they do not deny the pleasure of having sex. They have sex to produce children, similar to how one would tend to a farm to produce crops. However, they still value sex as an expression of one’s love (in this case physical touch). Also, they believe that sex after pregnancy contributes to fetal development. [47-48] In addition to sex, the Aka value hard work and physical proximity, while the Ngandu value respect towards the husband by giving gifts and doing acts of service. For both of them, love is desire, and part of that desire is a desire for children. [52]
Love is not just a tool for procreation, however; they do believe that it is important for a sustainable marital relationship. In fact, people do marry for love and stay together even in the case of infertility. [52] Westerners (as in middle-class Euro-Americans) would describe Ngandu marital relations as distant while the Aka are more intimate. Ngandu couples do not often eat together, sleep in the same bed, or share activities, and the men contribute little to child care. Aka couples do all of those things together and each parent contributes equally to child care. There is a large difference in quality time. [52]
In both cultures, couples do not express affection in public, like hand-holding, hugging, or kissing. Physical touch is a private affair for married couples. [52] For other intimate relationships like friendships, public displays of affection are allowed. [57]
The Ngandu live in compounds of clans, and many neighbors are also relatives, but their homes are private. Even polygynous families have separate rooms for each member. In contrast, the Aka are so close together that their love life is public and open to criticism. The Aka couples are intimate but not dependent on each other for socio-emotional support, unlike in the U.S. This is because of the Aka value individual autonomy very highly even within the marital bond. [62]
The primary love language for the Aka and Ngandu seems to be physical touch, due to the value they place on frequent sexual activity. Secondary languages include gifts and acts of service for both and quality time for the Aka.
Jankowiak, W. (2008). Intimacies: Love and sex across cultures. New York: Columbia University Press.
Igbo of Nigeria
Traditional Igbo marriage was set up by family members, sometimes even from birth, and put heavy emphasis on the bride’s character and background. Polygamy was also in traditional Igbo culture as it was more economical for them to have more children to help work on the fields. Igbo masculinity allows and even encourages infidelity, but not at the expense of responsibility to one’s family. [241]
Modern Igbo (ethnic group in Nigeria) couples see their marriage as a life project with them as the primary actors, while their parents put more emphasis on the extended family. [231] This is mostly due to the strong Western influence in Nigeria.
We can most likely conclude that the Igbo prefer to use Physical Touch over the other languages due to the circumstances surrounding masculinity, though it appears that in modern Igbo culture there is no preference due to the Western influence.
Jankowiak, W. (2008). Intimacies: Love and sex across cultures. New York: Columbia University Press.